At the Gates

Era razboi.
Se facea ca eram invaluit intr-un intuneric salbatic din toate colturile interioare ale mele. Zidurile exterioare inca rezistau, create fiind in timpuri de mare disperare. Create pentru a stavili si a proteja.
Eram asediat insa din interior, prins in capcana darului ce trebuia sa ma salveze, ma invarteam spre o spirala a nepasarii si a neputintei din care cu greu avea sa ies viu. Privirea imi obosise sa tot caute brese in acest neant de netraire, de nesentiment, de nimic.
Intr-un gest de razvratire interioara m-am agatat de puterile pe care le-am mai regasit si am inceput sa asediez poarta.Am aruncat in ea cu ce aveam, am dat cu umarul in ea, am izbit-o, scrasnind din dinti, cu o furie nebuna. Imi simteam respiratia grea si apasata.
Nimic. Nici macar o miscare.
Un gand clar m-a izbit ca o raza de soare intr-o zi senina, care te orbeste si te uimeste ca nu ai realizat asta pana acum. E cetatea mea, sunt zidurile mele care vor raspunde la ce zic eu. Trebuie doar sa ridic mana in semn de comanda, iar ele se vor deschide.

...De ce nu le deschid?

Dear Father

     It has been a while since we last spoke. I really don't know how and why this has come to happen. We were always like best friends, i could say to you everything and i guess i'm just missing my very old friend. It's so strange how people live with each other a lifetime as it seems now, and then in a second they can part ways.
    So enough with the "bla bla's", tell me, how have you been doing? i want to know everything that there is to know about you. Are they treating you well over there? Do you ever get bored? Do you miss me like i miss you?  Well i hope you do, cause if that is so, it means maybe you're still out there somewhere.
     I want to tell you something... it has come to me today, this...clear idea. It is kind of sad actually.. you see.. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I have lost even the most remote clue of where i am heading for. I feel like i am alone in the dark, and there is no light ahead, only the long and gruesome road. I don't want to scare or upset you, but I was just feeling this weight on my shoulders and I wanted to talk to you about it, since you always had a good advice to give me.
   I dont know why i feel this way sometimes. Looking back on my recent days, maybe my life isn't that bad, but man, believe me when i am telling you that i've been shutting things inside. i mean, dark, nasty, "i wanna bang my head to the wall" things. And they just keep coming and coming and i don't know how to catch a break. The fact is.... i am not that happy kid anymore. Somewhere along the way i have turned into this man, with no real dreams, no ambitions, no happyness, no joy. And i dont blame you for this, i really dont. What happened that night was not your fault, neither was mine.
   I just want to make you feel proud, you know, to smile when you see me, to see that i am doing great. To be Hard. And i try to do that, oh i try... But it's like i never get there. It seems to me that i am always one step behind myself, behind of what i could be and it's very tiring. Sometimes i just want to let go and forget everything and start over, as a mather of fact i am trying this right as we speak, but to be fair, i am not making such a great progress.
   I want to be happy again, father, i really do. Tell me, what do you think is the mather with me? What am I missing so badly that I've turned into this mess of a son? I have thought and thought of this over and again and yet i haven't figgured it out. Do you think maybe this is my bad time now, and it will get better?
   I'm really glad I stopped and wrote to you, cause talking and sharing my life with you was really important to me sometime ago, you know?

Miss you man.